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A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the motorway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back." " Have a nice day Sir" the officer replied …
Humour
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.… ' Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and. went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss. The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving
wives, however they had become over-enthusiastic with drinks. They needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she thought she
would take off her panties and use them. Her friend was wearing an expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next
to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to use that. .
The next day one husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl
nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with
no panties' 'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card
stuck to her bum that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never
forget you.'
POST CARDS
A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The little girl is wearing a fireman’s helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat. The fireman walks over to take a closer look, “that’s a lovely fire engine,” he says admiringly. “Thanks,” says the little girl The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart’s strings to the dog’s collar and one to the cat’s testicles. “Little colleague,” says the firefighter, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster”. The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then looks into the fireman’s eyes and says “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren, would I?”
A man in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended further and shouted to the lady “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.” The woman below replied, “ You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be in IT” said the balloonist. “Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.” The woman below responded, “You must be in Management” “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
Q. What does CHAOS stand for?
A. The Chiefs Have Arrived On Scene
A fireman and a policeman died and both went to heaven where they were issued their wings with the warning that if they have even one bad thought their wings would fall off. Well, everything went well for some time then one day they passed a very attractive and well put together young lady. As the fireman turned to watch her pass his wings fell off. When he bent to pick them up the policeman’s wings fell off.
Three little ducks go into a bar................
“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck. “Huey,” was the reply. “How’s your day been, Huey?” “Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey. “Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?” “Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two. “So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked. “Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?” The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?” “No,” she said, batting her eyelashes, “My name is Puddles.”
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night is this to be getting home? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.” She went on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long shower, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks! As he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the shower, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.“They’re not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?
