Short Stories

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Top this Speeding Ticket

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road.

One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style. “Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your ‘hostile radar equipment’ and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched”.

Would you Adam ‘n’ Eve it A story from down under in NZ

Saturday night - we are going to a party - Anne in shower, me shot down the village, grab beer and wine.

Come back -- see taxi outside our drum “Who the bloody’ell can that be?” Pull into driveway -- 3 x Somalie/Ethiopian tinted type people (well they certainly ain’t any of our lot).

“Excuse me, Sir, may we have some of those leaves from your tree over there?”. Pointing vaguely into our garden. Me “Why?”

“This is for to make tea for the old people”

I think -- well, whatever turns you on “Yup help yourself” -- they then see Tyson in the jam jar and nearly shit themselves -- “It’s alright, I will keep him in the motor”

To keep a long story short -- they bloody well denuded this tree -- so I lost me rag and quoted the immortal words “Enuff leaves to make tea - OK - what’s the size of the bleedin’ teapot - olympic swimming pool? On yer bike or I let him out” -- as they came out I grabbed one of them and took some of the leaves (they had pockets, shirts and plastic bags full).

He became a bit toey and said “Are you going to get it tested”

Yours truly replied “Now that I know what you are after, course I bloody well am, and should you come back, he will be loose”.

Found out it is ‘Khat’ or ‘Qat’ it is a class 3 drug here!!

There you are, I am a drug dealer! Got in touch with the old Bill and gave them the SP.

I will be cutting down a tree shortly!!

Should any of my non Brit mates not be able to understand certain aspects a translation is available!!.

Driving on the autobahn in Germany at 140mph in his BMW Z4,the Driver Hit a Deer...
The deer disappeared... The driver stopped and wondered where did the deer go.......???

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety

WAY TOO COOL

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing . . . I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME !

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul ) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries ) thinking to myself, 'no possible way !'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .

A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point, ), I collected my wits ( what little I had left ), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone.

I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return..

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid....

............................

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

A guy in St Louis was driving to work when he heard a ‘pop’. He thought it sounded like a flat tyre.

After pulling over, checking the tyres and finding them all intact he opened the bonnet to look at the motor.

He partially opened the bonnet and was unable to believe what he was seeing.

Nobody was going to believe this! Fortunately , a work mate with a camera stopped to see if he could help...

Although this looks like a picture taken from a hollywood movie, it is in fact a real photo, taken near the South African coast during a military exercise by the British Navy.

It has been nominated by National Geographic as ‘The photo of the year’

And you think you’re having a bad day at work!!

" Immovable? "

This is the script of an actual radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland, October 1995. In the moonless, pitch-black night, the American Captain sees a light ahead and radios a message...

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a U.S. Navy ship - I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: THIS IS THE BATTLESHIP USS MISSOURI THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP!!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Ga., Told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the pavement were four Marines collecting toys for the Toys for Tots program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

“The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw… injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off the curb after stabbing the Marine.” According to a police report.